A tourist's outrage & redemption -M

June 5, Sunday

How does one not love Rome? Julius Ceasar slept here. Caligula had sex with a swan while fellating a donkey here. Borgias & Medicis sold their daughters' virtue for weed money. Sundry popes manipulated the world from a jewel encrusted hammock in the Vatican. Supermodels sprinkle cocaine on chocolate mousse & complain to the media about their loss of privacy. Rome is all decadent holiness.

But Rome truly sucks for stupid tourists like me. It sucks for the Everyman. You have to be canny. You have to be sly to enjoy the magnificence of Rome.

Case in point: after paying over $20 for a couple of slices of pizza & a water & another $15 for a slice of salami on bread & a plastic bottle of tea, I was close to the end of my limited wits. It was raining on the Palatine Hill. My beloved Gwendolyn was soaked. Her camera equipment depreciated noticably with each raindrop. We huddled miserably under a tree by the house of the nefarious Livia. An apparently helpful umbrella salesman offered to bail us out.

Now these umbrellas have been proffered for about €5 all day long but now it was raining. "€10!" he said. "Hell no!" hollered the damp American. "Those things have been selling for €5 all day!". "Fine," he replied. "Give me €5.". I reached into my pocket & pulled out a soggy 10 spot. He took it, handed me a sad red micro umbrella & said, "OK €8!" & dropped a €2 coin in my palm.

"We just agreed on €5!" I handed him back the umbrella. "OK €7!" He cried & threw another euro at me. Now, I was prepared to administer the righteous beating which my western upbringing assured me I was entitled to, but the damp misery on my sweetheart's face & the speedy retreat which my adversary had adopted prevented any such response. He was literally sprinting away through the ruins of Augustus' Rome. Doubtless he was rushing to spend his ill gotten profit at the local donkey whorehouse/opium den.

The sad little umbrella did it's utmost to protect us from pneumonia while we hugged each other under it's scarlet insufficiency toward our hotel. Occasionally, the handle would fall off or the umbrella would collapse into us if the breeze picked up. Across from the Trevi Fountain, we found that the United Colors of Benetton might have a dry sweater for my waterlogged Gwendolyn for a nominal sum & a kidney.

Thus revived, we tossed the rest of our savings into the fountain & wished for a happy life free of parasites.

At this point, we both realized we were starving & had merited a reasonable meal. We arrived at a cool little spot we'd seen the night before. It was small, cozy, impeccably decorated. We left the little red umbrella in it's own little puddle by the door. And then had the most awesome meal of our lives. We shared an unbelievable asparagus soup with a puff pastry top & a rigatoni carbonara the defies description. Then Gwen had filet with onion, vanilla, ginger & pear while I had a rare filet with white truffle. The beer flowed. We split a chocolate mousse with more truffle (one can never have enough truffle) & a litre of limonocello. This time the astronomical price was both expected & worthwhile. We literally skipped back to our room, happy & sated.

But, we forgot the umbrella.

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The Roman Forum in the Rain under The Red Umbrella

 

Scuba Donkey at Trevi Fountain with The Red Umbrella! ;)